Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I'm a Soul Man 2...

B

ane the Vixen is grabbin... uh... I mean, bustin' my butt again. I suppose the cont'd tomorrow is amateurish but I did it for a reason. M came home yesterday from Japan but she got stuck at the airport. Border patrol/immigration wouldn't let her into the country because... her green card expired! Crap! What a headache... So, I got back late and had to run to school. To me, that's a legit excuse, so you wanna cut me some slack, girl? Or are you jealous I don't give you the same attention? Hehehehehhe...

Anway, back to the issue at hand...

My first wife seemed perfect to me in that she fit those qualities that I thought would complement me. How stupid of me. There were two things that bothered me, and it progressively worsened as our marriage went along. One: she had little love for my mother. I don't want to go into too much detail, but just let me say that since she was old school, she expected my mother to come to help her out when our daughter was born. It is traditional in Japan--and many other customs--for a mother to help out a daughter or daughter-in-law in such a manner. But my mother, for reasons of work and health (she had a bad heart at the time), could not come and my ex held it against her until my mother died couple years ago. She did not treat my mother well when they were together, and it coming to a head.

The other thing is just as important. While she fulfilled my "objective", albeit silly, criteria, she--or perhaps I should say we--lacked one ingredient so crucial in any marriage: Passion. Our marriage was pretty cut and dry and I thought that we fulfilled each other's needs and I hoped the passion would develop over time--as many expect in similar marriages, especially arranged marriages. But I was wrong. We had a healthy respect for each other, but the passion never developed. When I decided to come back to the States to teach and she wanted to remain in Japan, she insisted that this was normal, that many Japanese couples live apart--in Japanese, its called tanshin funin--and she fully expected us to remain married. Well, for me, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I could not live with that attitude toward our marriage. If either of us felt passion for the other, one of us probalby would have relented, but we didn't. We didn't have the "need" to stay together. Economically, intellectually, adademically, being apart is fine. But two people who feel passion for each other could never live in separte countries, don't you think? Indeed, our individual decisions suggested that we had no intention or desire to encourage our relationship to "develop". If you were to talk to her, I'm sure she would have her story to tell, as well--and hse has according to people I have talked to in Japan--but this is my Xanga, and this is my side of the story...

But with M, things were different. As I mentioned before, I held her hand and I knew instantly that we were meant for each other. I knew right away that passion for each other was seething within us, ready to explode--um, you can stop me at any time, y'know... So with regard to Simply_Marie's initial query about "soulmates" developing, I would have to say that it didn't happen for me. I think it's easier to work through the tangible, objective differences rather than the intangible, subjective ones. I found my soulmate by accident... at 40. She "hatched", to use your terminology. She didn't "grow" from a mate into a soulmate. She existed previously, and I found her. She just was. To rephrase your quote:

Soulmates are hatched... They don't grow. You make the connection, build the relationship, but you've always known, 'This is my soul mate'

Ok, ok, stop gaggin! Take those fingers out of your mouths now...

Oh, don't get me wrong. Our relationship is not without those bumps in the road. We have our issues and arguments. Certainly, if I held M to my previous standards, she would fail miserably. Not even close. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. I will do anything to ensure that we stay together. Man, do I love this woman...

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