My Football to Beer Equation

W

ow, we are six weeks into football season and I haven't once posted about my beloved Bruins. Well, they are 4-1 against mediocre teams, and will be tested today against Oregon which only has the best offense in the Pac 10. We'll see if the Bruin defense--the Pac 10's best defense so far--is for real.

Anyway, yesterday I was a bit obsessed with numbers, and the idea of 6s and 12s and 24s is crucial for me because it impacts my beer purchases. You never hear of a 5 pack or a 10 pack. Beer is always sold in 6 packs or 12 bottle cases or 24 can cases. The size of the purchase allows me to calculate how much beer I can drink, a safe way to pace myself as I watch game after game of football on any given Fall Saturday. I have satellite TV and subscribe to both the Fox Sports Network package and ESPN's GamePlan, so I literally have football from 12 noon EST until 12 midnight--those West Coast games can end pretty late.

"Are you in front of the TV for the whole 12 hours?" You might ask, and I would have to reply, "No, silly! I have to go to the bathroom sometimes."

1 Saturday + 24 cans (1 case) of beer / 12 hours of college football = 2.0833 cans per 1 hour.

This is only an average pace, and I tend to drink faster earlier in the day and slow down around, oh... 6-ish? Besides, this is my simple math calculation. The official equation is actually based on a per game calcuation. (NCAA approval pending.)

{(4 quarters x 15 minutes) / 24 cans}Pi x {X [# of toilets] / Y [# in attendance]} = Z [number of beers] / 1 game.
Note: Pi=(11 offense + 11 defense) / (6 touchdown points + 1 extra point kick)

If I'm at home and I can count on one toilet for me to use, that would calculate out to 7.85 beers per 1 game. Since a college game lasts around 3.5 hours, this figure is slightly higher than my lazier, easier calculation of about 7.29 beers per game. But this is a per game calculation and does not take into account any gradual declination of pace with each succeeding game.

Of course, the calculation changes if you watch the game at a bar or at the stadium. The variables are so great that that the calculation would probably require a degree in astrophysics--capacity of venue, number of toilets, size of mug/glass, driving distance from home, the cute cheerleader/waitress to obnoxiously drunk strangers ratio, etc. It is far too complex to explain here.

Anyway, it is time for me to go and watch some pigskin action! Go Bruins!