Saturday, April 16, 2005

Musings

Weekend Schedule:

L

ast week I graded Bungo quizzes and J-Lit midterms, and prepared two lectures on Yukio Mishima and his book Runaway Horses. All this between going to the o-hanami with students Friday and the Cherry Blossom festival with the family on Saturday. Yes, I even amaze myself at times... This weekend:

  • Grading papers for J Culture.
  • Grading a J-Lit assignment that's been collecting dust on my desk.
  • Preparing lectures on Fumiko Enchi and her book Masks.
  • Preparing my State Taxes--fortunately, filing Virginia taxes are later that Federal taxes.
  • Grocery shopping.
  • Take kid to retrieve Medical Records for INS.

Musings

I

want to talk to someone about my life. Well, many of you know quite a bit about my "life", but I'm talking about my current life and where it's been and where it's headed. Many people consider me to be pretty open, mostly because I can talk and, here, write about my life rather openly. My sister was shocked--SHOCKED I tell ya'--at what I write here.

But this is my superficial side. Regardless of how detailed it may seem at times, I reveal only the facts of my life. And these facts are events and incidents of my life that other people know as well. It is no secret that: I ate grass, betrayed a friend, used to smoke, love beer, am divorced, have a daughter, went to my parents funeral, et cetera. Of course, these facts are skewed to fit my version of things.

This should not be a surprise to most of you. We bloggers are, to varying degrees, narcissists and exhibitionists. We love to expose ourselves, talk about ourselves. And yet, ultimately, we expose only what we want to expose: a little thigh, some cleavage--well, I don't really have any cleavage. What we reveal is sometimes good, sometimes bad. But still, it is what WE want to reveal--for whatever purpose: self-love, sympathy, comraderie. And I am no different.

But--and you knew there was a "but" coming--there are things I will not reveal. This is perhaps my ugly side, certainly my secret side. It is my feelings about my life: my career, my job, my marriage. But since they are "feelings", they are intangible and often difficult to articulate. Even the facts that are at the core of these feelings cannot be shared--while I have written about a number of things in my life, I have barely scratched the surface.

So sometimes I wish I had someone with whom I could talk frankly; one who would listen without judging me, but would not coddle me with blind support. Some of you will say, "What about M?" but she may be "too close". Sometimes a person can be so close that you are afraid to hurt him/her with certain opinions. Sometimes NOT talking about it is an expression of love.

However, there are times when you just need to talk about it... with someone... else... You know what I mean?

1 comment:

æmii ~ said...

what you need at times like this is a huge good ol' fashioned hug! ^^

what you say about having someone to talk to, not confide in, rings true. sometimes good friends can do the job, but sometimes acquaintances may be you answer because they don't "care" enough really to coddle you and tell you want to hear yet they do care enough to just listen to you. half the time, you work things through just by talking about it to someone :)