Saturday, March 19, 2005

Senryu topic: Forget

Since this is a long post with all your poems, I'll leave it right here for a couple of days. I also noticed that I'm approaching 50G on my site meter. I figure it'll take a bit more than a week to get there. If you are number 50,000, let me know, okay?

Everyone have a nice weekend.

Forget the roses
and the fancy meal, would you?
Dine on me, lover.

by CazzaC

First impression: Racey. Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: Valentine. Comments: Woah, baby. What a suggestive senryu this is... It certainly captures a moment and the image is... Whew! Is it getting hot in here or what?

soda left on top
the owner drives away quickly
not the baby this time

by jerjonji

First impression: Say what?!? Technical foul: One too many syllables in the second and third line. Comments: Well, no one said getting exactly 5-7-5 syllables would be easy. But seriously, this senryu is kind of scary. Leaving a soda on the top of you car and driving away is a funny scene, but a baby?!? "This time"? You mean this happened before? *shudder* It's almost too scary to imagine.

Painful Letters, Gifts -
Boxed, put out of sight, buried;
Finally, it's done.

by SleepingCutie

First impression: I'm cryin'... Technical foul: Poet's Remark: A suitable senryu, perhaps, to the upcoming romantic holiday? =) I write better when the subject matter is depressing. Either that or the material seems to flow better when there is some sort of angst involved. Even though the word "forgotten" is not mentioned, hopefully it is evoked by my humble offering of a senryu, Sensei! And with this submission, I will join the elite ranks of those who have completed 3 or more of these contests of yours. Muahahaha! ^^ Comments: Nicely done. This is perhaps your best one yet. And you are right; although you didn't use the word "forgot", it is clear that forgetting is your goal. What makes this verse exceptional is how you present the topic. Forgetting is something that is inadvertant, accidental, unintentional. However, your situation suggests just the opposite: a willful attempt to forget "him". (You're not talking about me, are you?) The tension between these two concepts, as well as your ability to express the topic without even using the word makes this a truly exceptional submission.

wracking my brain for
the reason i tied the string
around my finger

by SweetLilV

First impression: Cute. Technical foul: Dangling preposition. Poet's Remark: Comments: A funny image of someone forgetting something that she specifically took steps not to forget. This is exactly the kind of verse that makes senryu fun to write and read: the contradiction, the kind of experience we all share, a light-hearted frustration that is easy to laugh at. But next time watch out for your prepositions. Don't split them from the noun it is attached to.

Pursed lips, hands on hips...
Her inescapable glare...
Wait, what day is it!?!

by cgran

First impression: I feel it... Technical foul: Poet's Remark: February is a particularly dangerous month for me, with an anniversary and Valentines day both hiding somewhere within. Given my notoriously bad memory, the potential for disaster is quite high... sigh.. Comments: Wait! Don't tell me. This actually happened, right? Since this is February's topic, I guess we can presume this is a reference to Valentine's Day, but it could easily have been a birthday.The imagery is solid, all spelling out the situation clearly. Nice.

with rue and regret...
you'd think, "how could he forget
the ice in iced tea?"

by RoseRiver

First impression: Hahahahah! Technical foul: None. Comments: Buwahahahah! Okay, this is funny, although a bit ridiculous. I'm trying to imagine a scene--besides perhaps a scene in a movie--where this would happen. At home? At a restaurant? Hmmm. And "rue and regret" gives the error more weight that it should have to bear. Still, my first reaction was to laugh. The play on words was precious...

"My computer crashed"
Earns a disbelieving look
From my professor

by SleepyWalnut

First impression: So familiar. Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: Since you've got us writing senryu for class, I might as well submit one here too! Comments: Yes, submit one here, too. A computer crashing is so old school and outdated that when someone tells me this, I actually believe them these days. Instead of the computer, most students blame the printer these days. While this verse seems rather straigh-forward at first glance, the topic gives it life. The student who failed to turn in an assignment blames the computer rather than herself, her forgetfullness. Shifting blame is such a time honored technique....

Quiet, still test room
Fingers tapping frantically
What's the damn answer!?

by Link_Strife

First impression: Oh, the pain! Technical foul: None, sorta. Poet's Remark: I have semester finals tomorrow. I wish I could forget that. Comments: I kind of get the image of the verse, but I'm not quite sure of the message. A student, taking an exam, drums her finger in an attempt to recall an answer. "Quiet" suggests that the fingers seem to reverberate even louder than normal. But I'm not sure I get the "still test room". Why "still"? Or did you mean "still" as "motionless"? Ooooooh.... Clarity is so important in a short poem.

forget the perfume
forget the smell of stale smoke
everything fading

by silvermyst_ashke

First impression: Little bit too much? Technical foul: None. Comments: Yeah, my first impression was that there was too much information that I became a bit lost. I can't picture a situation in which one would forego perfume--a good smell?-- and stale smoke. Perhaps a night club of sorts. But then, why would everything fade? I'm sure that the content was very profound--anything you write has significance--but perhaps you're trying to convey more than a 5-7-5 poem can handle. How very Narihira... (now how many of you understand what this means?)

frantic searching, stop!
buried within messy room
what was it again?

by detachable

First impression: That's me! Technical foul: None. Comments: Have you seen my desk? So often I search through the piles of papers on my desk, only to find myself wondering what I was looking or in the first place. Ah, senility, awaiting me just around the corner. But I wonder, what is it that caused you to forget? Was it the mere messiness of the room? Were you too preoccupied with something on your mind?

these three little words
sometimes a person forgets
to say, please ..thank you.

by aznquarter

First impression: Miss Manners, I presume? Technical foul: None. Comments: Indeed, the world we live in is always rushed. We are so busy that we often forget the basic words and attitudes that make for a civilized society. "Thank you" for reminding us.

Hard slap in the face,
Her birthday now forgotten -
A celibate night.

by miket_the_kid

First impression: Ouch! Technical foul: None. Comments: Please don't tell me this is based on your personal experience... But I can certainly imagine the situation, although for the life of me, I don't know many people like this. I mean, the poem suggests that if a guy forgets his significant other's birthday, then he gets no sex? The implications are severe. A guy upset at not getting some nooky because he forgot. Worse, a girl who uses sex to punish a guy. Not a pretty picture...

toss and turn in bed
painful thoughts fly thick and fast
i want to...forget

by KenjiNie

First impression: Need a drink? Technical foul: None. Comments: I get the impression that you are trying to forget something painful, but since you can't, it keeps you up at night. This is very broad, perhaps too much so. It would be good if the reader had an inkling, at least, of what the pain is. A betrayal by a girl/boyfriend? An embarrassing moment at school? A fight with a good friend? Next time, be sure to give us a little something to help recognize the situation. Oh yeah, you can comment on my other posts, you know, instead of just asking if I'm gonna post the senryu...

T.V. within reach
I still search anxiously for
the remote control

by msbLiSs

First impression: Huh? Technical foul: Is the topic mainfest? Comments: Okay, I give up. Where's the topic? The verse is a funny depiction of a lazy person searching for the remote control. Are you perhaps trying to convey that the person forgot where the remote control is? If so, is this something that people actually "forget"? Oh well, even the good ones have off days...

forgot your password?
enter your username, please
what was that again?

by Eechim

First impression: Too many accounts? Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: I always forget my password, its ridiculous, i shall have to resort to using 123456 next time but my IT minded husband mght kill me, if i did! Comments: Ha! How many times have I forgotten my password. Geez, I've even forgotten my username at times. But Ive been told that I should not use one password for eveyr account I have. I understand the logic behind it, but I don't aften have the capacity to remember more than two or three passwords that contain 6 or more alphanumeric digits. Ugh. Your last line seems a bit of a waste. It reduntantly confrims that you have forgotten. Perhaps the source of your forgetfulness would have been better, like too many email accounts: "Did I need G-mail?" or something similar.

Futilely cursing
Waiting for help to arrive
Inside, car keys lie

by ca1b0y

First impression: Old school. Technical foul: None. Comments: I haven't done this in is quite awhile, but when I was first driving, I used to this this more often than I'd like to admit: Park the car, get out, close the door, and Ack! But I was wondering: Where are the car keys lying? I usually left them in the ignition which meant that they were "dangling". But I like the image of you cursing--upset with yourself--as you wait for the AAA guy to show up. Man, been there, done that...

Blue forget-me-nots,
My Grandma calls "marguerites,"
Refuse my garden

by Ydurp

First impression: Different. Technical foul: None. Comments: Forget-me-nots not taking root in your garden is a nice image, and the sentiments aroused by the word your grandmother used to call them evokes a sense of nostalgia. But except for the name of the flower, I can't see the essence of the topic "to forget" in your poem. Unless, perhaps, you had forgotten what your grandmother had called the flowers, in which case you needed to focus on that and not its suitability to your soil...

She fidgets her ring
Candles waltz with silverware
He is working late.

by Bane_vixen

First impression: Disney's Beauty and the Beast? Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: I think it's self-explanatory. A husband forgot an important date, whether an anniversary, a birthday or what-not. It's open to interpretation as to depict a common belief of how men can be thoughtless sometimes because they can be forgetful, or the human disposition to take things for granted and often forget the things in life that make life worth living at all. well, something to that effect. Comments: My first impression is related to the imagery of the candles waltzing with the silverware, a scene from the Disney animation, Beauty and the Beast. Hehehe. Anyway, you're poem isn't as self-explanatory as you suggest, although I nodded in head in agreement after reading your explanation. Ultimately, your poem is a bit dark, given the woman's subconscious regrets of marriage--fidgeting with her ring--because he forgot a special date because of work. Of course, he could be pretending that it's work, but that would be going too far perhaps.

time for school and work
quickly gobbles down breakfast
where are the car keys?

by Di_Gah_Jea

First impression: In your pocket! Technical foul: None. Comments: A typical morning, rushed and harried. It might be because of work or because of school, but in our haste to get out of the house, we forget where the car keys are. You verse might have been better had you indicated either school or work. Senryu, as I have stated previously, is about a snapshot of time, so being specific is helpful, if not exactly necessary. Focus on the reason/cause of forgeting--the essence of the topic--and you'd have a better poem.

Morning interview
Silent alarm clock says "OFF"
Leap from bed at noon

by RachelsMommy

First impression: Hurry! Hurry! Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: Far be it from me to hold things up around here. (In my own defense, I'm usually pretty good at getting up when I know there is something important to get up for. (coffee not included) Comments: Already noon, too late. Hehehehehe. Anyway, I might be a bit dense, but by silent alarm clock, I presume you mean that you forgot to set the alarm the night before, right? This would certainly be logical, but the verse seems to be focusing on the interview, and you suggest that you didn't forget that--even you said so in your explanat0ry note--You're good at getting up when there's something important. So there seems to be a disconnect between the focus of the poem and the topic.

My heart yearns for peace
Consistency is needed
It's time to withdraw

by Blujazz

First impression: Peace, girl... Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: I've always wanted to submit, but I chose to read instead so, for this particular topic, I'm temporarily coming back from a long hiatus. Comments: A very heartfelt verse, one that suggests desire and sadness and loneliness all at once. You yearn for peace, because you are saddened by the inconsistencies of the world at large or in your own little world. But for whatever reason, you feel the need to withdraw, to be by yourself, to heal or to simply bide your time utnil things right themselves. Unfortunately, I don't see the topic, "forget", in this very moving poem...

A cute girl walks up
Though she still remembers me,
I forgot her name!

by Kizyr

First impression: Bummer, man. Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: Ok... I was at my favourite coffeehouse and I saw a girl working there, a quite attractive one at that, and I just knew I knew her from somewhere, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She eventually approaches me and my friends, looks at me and says "You're Kaiser, right?" The memory of that prompts this next senryu, dedicated to her: There is a tragic end to this story. I remembered a bit about her, yet made the mistake of admitting that I couldn't recall her name. She got offended and just walked off, then and there. I never saw her again. My horrible memory with names just got me in this case. Comments: Well, to be honest, if she was going to belittle you because she couldn't accept that fact that you forgot her name, well, that's pretty petty on her part. Although I WILL tell you that I rarely forget the name of a cute girl. I mean, as a guy, you are required to remember certain things. It's in the "unwritten" bylaws of being a heterosexual man: Thou shalt commit to memory an attractive woman's name and any phone number she is willing to divulge. Shame on you! Hahahah. Just kidding. Your poem is pretty funny and I'm sure that many guys can relate to it. But if you could have figured out how to include the consequences in you verse, I think that would have been funnier--perhaps a line about her reaction instead of the fact that she remembered you...

I've passed many doors,
Trying to look for Something,
But I forgot what.

by Onigiri

First impression: I'm glad I'm not alone. Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: Just as sammystorm and bane vixen wrote, "xanga neglect is addictive". But it was a a nice welcome back to participate in the senryu poem contest again, though I'm afraid this one isn't very good. It's rather .... vague. Comments: While, by your own admission, this poem is vague, I can relate to it. I too have passed many door, trying to look for something--a present, a merchandise, a question to ask a professor--but being unable to recall exactly what it was I wanted. Perhaps, a bit more specifcity next time?

Smelling the perfume,
the joy and pain rushes back.
I can't forget her.

by SunJun

First impression: Good one. Technical foul: None. Poet's Remark: Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Figured it was appropriate, especially for all the single folk out there... Comments: Nice one. The poem touches on the an important aspect of the essence of "forgetting" quite well, it seems to me: Forgetting is an involuntary act that cannot be controlled, and forgetting is foiled by it's natural counterpart, memory, triggered by a number of things, not the least of which is scent. You get a whiff of the perfume she used to wear and it triggers a cascade of images, both good and bad. This poem would be perfect if the topic was memory, but still, a good angle of the idea of forgetting.

Dad's watching Super Bowl
Mommy is busy cooking
Baby is hungry.

by dawn_109

First impression: Poor baby! Technical foul: One extra syllable in first line. Comments: This is a crystal image of perhaps many families I have seen in my life. Not that the the people I know are insensitive to the needs of a baby, but that they are usually busy wrapped up in their own lives at the expense of somethings that are more important. Dad is absorbed by the TV watching sports--yes, this might be me. Mom is is too busy taking care fo the family with cooking or some other household chore. And the one being "forgotten" is perhaps the most important constituent of the family: the kid. It also brings to light the relationship between the sexes especially found in a number of Asian homes--okay, maybe I'm sorta guility on this count, too. This is a nice reminder for all of us to focus on what's important.

faded paper leaves
left forgotten in her wake
solid feelings gone

by shi

First impression: Sentimental. Technical foul: None. Comments: This seems like a sad poem on forgetting one's feelings of a former significant other. "Faded paper leaves" represents old letters and notes faded by time. While he/she is gone now, the letters remain as a reminder of previous times. But they have been tucked away somewhere forgotten, fading from her memory, and like the letters, her feelings also fade, the concrete, solid emotions attached to them gone. This is pretty moving, girl, almost as if it were happening to you now....

Bare floor, ceiling, walls
Realisation fills the gaps
of Doors left unlocked

by Whonose

First impression: Call the cops. Technical foul: None. Comments: Oh, this is a scary thought! Coming home to a house that has been burglarized is not a pretty sight--indeed my parent's home has been a victim of this. And the thought that this could have been prevented had you not forgotten to do something like lock the door is all the more frustrating. However, being burglarized a bit more messier than "bare floor, ceiling, walls". I think anyone who has been burglarized knows that it's a messy affair. Burglars will rifle through everything making a mess of the house in his attempt to find valuables.

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