Fall Requiem

T

oday, my husband--Onigiriman--went to the store to by sausages, rolls, relish, sauerkraut, corn chips, potato ships, and two cases of beer. Since this was Labor Day weekend, it did not strike me as strange. But when he returned, he cleared out an area in front of the TV, where he set up a short table for his chips right in front of the ice chest he had just filled with the beer. He then laid himself on the floor sideways, head propped up by his arms and... he went into a coma...

I should have realized something was wrong when he didn't answer me when I asked him what he wanted for lunch. I presumed that he wanted the sausages he had bought and he was just ignoring me. When I brought lunch to him in front of the TV, he was completely still. I tapped him on the shoulder from behind, but he didn't respond. I thought he was asleep and decided to surprise him, but when I saw his face, his eyes were wide open.

Oh my God!

I jumped back in horror. There he was, staring blankly at the TV, with his head still propped up in his right hand. In his left hand, was the remote. His thumb was pressing down on the recall button and the TV was swtching between two different channels. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that he was alive. But I did know better. Even before I looked at the TV, I knew what programs were on. I was saddened by the realization that he had left me a widow...

College football season has begun...

Yes, I am a football widow. Every Saturday and most Sundays from September through December and then through the bowl season in January, my husband is no longer a glob of rice. He is more like that 70s fad, the Pet Rock: cold, unresponsive to anyone.. well except to other Pet Rocks. But he will consume anything put in front of him--beer, soda, chips, hot dogs, sushi. He even turns into a cannibal, eating onigiri as he watches his beloved Bruins. I'm tempted to put some uni (oo-nee; sea urchin) between two sliced of bread. He hates uni, and I'd love to see the response I'd get. But then, how much could a Pet Rock respond. And uni is far to expensive to waste on a piece of granite...

*sigh* I'm married to a geological phenomenon...