Dealing with it

I

think my relationship with my stepson is difficult because we are both "adults." Kids, little ones, I have no problems with because, well, they are kids. I have no expectations. But a 23 year old kid is, to varying degrees, an adult. We all mature at different speeds, as a few of you so astutely pointed out. But still, there should be a modicum of expectations, I believe.

Some of these expectations would include appreciation, empathy, courtesy, the willingness to say "thank you" or "sorry". These are qualities one can manifest without the benefit of being an adult. And yet...

Well, I said that yesterday's post was the last post about him, and it was. This is more about me and how I need to learn to deal with new situations, different situations. It is petty of me to expect him to meet my standards, we are all different... is how M would frame the argument. But in my opinion, that is the easy way out. How do we as humans change, mature, evolve without standards to strive for? I'm pretty sure that if I didn't set standards for myself--standards which are based on the socio-cultural expectations of the society in which I live--I would be pretty content to quit work, and watch TV all day as I ate potato chips and drank beer. No, I think we need standards. My problem is that I don't know how to set them for him without sounding like a jerk.

Many of my students think I am mean and/or unsympathetic. I had a student once who would do what I told her--grad school, scholarships, etc.--but she would also at times get pissed off, telling me that I was just too good at pushing her buttons, often in a way that is--as she put it--"irritatingly motivating." I think she meant a couple of things. First, I often understand the problems students face. I myself was not a great students. I was a jerk off who hated to study and constantly had shifting priorities as I went to school: Study for test or go on a date. Do homework or go get a beer with buddies... Hmmm... these were truly hard choices. Second, I will confront them with these issues, forcing them to accept the consequences of their choices. Want to go out and drink? Go ahead, I tell them. But don't expect sympathy from me. Have to work to go to school? So did I. But I made the hard choice. I worked as little as possible to maximize study time. This sometimes meant that I couldn't afford a stupid 25-cent cup of coffee at North Campus, but that's the choice I made. If my students feel the need to make more money, then that is okay with me. But if it affects their study time, they should expect to get a grade that will likely reflect the amount of time they put in. They are responsible for their input (study time) so they should be responsible for the output (grades). I tell them, in all honesty, that I respect their choices, as I had been forced to make similar choices when I was a student. But they will get no special treatment from me, especially since that would be unfair to those students who make different choices, like studying more but making other sacrifices.

Now, this may sound tough but fair... maybe. I often trip over my own personality as I try to get my message across. I can be wry and sarcastic, sometimes bitingly so, often exposing my short temper. As a result, some students will tell me point blank that I'm mean. But these same students, I think, are able to reach the core of what I am trying to convey, even as they pluck the burrs of my sarcasm from their delicate skins. Unfortunately, this approach is unsuccessful with a few students and a disaster at home. I am characterized as cold and mean-spirited, charges that make me wonder, sometimes, how the heck I got myself into this situation...

Then I remember. I love my wife, despite her sharp charges when she protects her cubs, as all mothers will.

Anyway, the point is that perhaps much of the problem stems from me. I have a personality flaw. I am too sarcastic, perhaps, and am certainly short-tempered. As such, I have to learn to deal with the situation, to deal with my own shortcomings before I rag too much on my stepson...

Now, this may seem either pretensious or disingenuous--take your pick--but you should all keep in mind that this is my Xanga. While I set down a "true" accounting of the situation, it is a version seen from my eyes only, and is likely slanted (no pun intended). Certainly, anyone who speaks with M will get an entirely different picture. Ah, but no matter...