The Best and Most, Part 2

H

ey, Kenmore Q back again on the O-man site to continue with the awarding of the Best and Most of Porn Names. Remember, everyone's a winner.

Disclaimer: Please, keep in mind the comments below may be off color--not too much though--and are strictly for entertainment value. None of the participants--to the best of Q's knowledge--is a porn star, and this is simply an exercise in fun. All comments are tongue-in-cheek, are made in response to the made-up names and absoutely do not reflect or represent the persons who submitted them...

Best Reference to Church Sex Scandals: Fishy Cardinal
As a devout Catholic--hahhahahahaha--I wanted to have one award that related to those religious predetors of young boys, Catholic priests. Thanks to Fishy Cardinal, I was able to feel fulfillment and a sense of redemption...

Best Rock Porn Star Name: Iggy Saratoga
Hey Iggy, great name. Reminds me of Iggy Pop, y'know? Hopefully, you'll survive the summer before you go on tour in Japan, and figure out how to get your stuff back, or at least the value of what was stolen...

Best Asian-American Porn Name: Ryce Eastwood
Now, is this Asian American or what? Ryce? Nice mispelling to of our staple food for effect. And the East in Eastwood is an obvious nod to our Asian hertitage. And of course, the "wood" in Eastwood was a nice touch, especially for a male porn star...

Best Use of Middle Name: Arif Stillmeadow
Amazingly--or not--some of us have never owned a pet. As it stands, I've heard that some have used their middle name for their porn name. I've heard that for regular movie stars, so that is nothing new, so I guess it makes for a good substitute if you have been petless. But still, it seems too close to home for me to ever use my middle name... not that I plan to go public as a porn star...

The Best Three-Part Porn Names with the First Name Hanna(h): Hanna Golden Canyon, Hannah Regents Park
Now this was interesting. Only two participants submitted three-part porn names and they both had the same first name (sorta). Now that deserves some kind of recognition, no? Besides "Golden Canyon" sounds so nasty for a girl, don't you think. You may have to go blonde, girl... hehehehhe. And "Regents Park" sounds like a Korean porn star. Oh yeah, you are Korean, aren't you. Too bad Hannah's a guy. Hahahahha.

Best Allusion--Female Porn Name: Lobsty Delta
Well, you're too young to be a porn star, but you have a great name for future use. Lobsty has that seaside fishy smell, and Delta is, well, triangular, right? *gulp*...

Best Allusion--Male Porn Name: Yuki Lancelot
Yuki, in Japanese, means snow and can suggest a cute image, but that's not the allusion I'm refering to. It's rather obvious, isn't it. Lance-a-lot? I mean, I think there was actually a porn star with that name, but he was--duh--a guy. hahahahaahha.

Best Nature Porn Name: Meadow Lily
The name, for a porn star, is rather pastoral. But it has a nice lilt to it, don't you think? You're too young to be here, too, but if you were a porn star, you'd be stretched out in the open fields or under a starry night sky... maybe...

Best Onanistic Image: Willy Solitude
A great name for you lonely souls out there. Lonely Willy. A Willy in Solitude? Hahahhaahha. If you don't understand the name of the award, you need to study more--new word for the day: Onanism. In fact, this is where the Japanese got the word onani. Man, the things you learn here...

Best Japanese Porn Star Name: Crystal Tama, Momo Hillcrest
This is a tie between two of my favorite writers: In Japanese, tama means "ball", so this guy has some pretty classy tama, I suppose. I wonder if it rings when you flick it? Of course, that would connote a high lead content, and that would be very bad. The other winner: momo means "thighs" and thighs juxtuposed to the top of a hill? A mound as it were?

Man, my mind is in the gutter... which is, of course, just in time for the announcement of the top winners.

Best Female Porn Star Name: Brandy Cherry
Is this a beautiful name or what? When things are going poorly, when things don't seem to be going like we want them to, a bit of Brandy is always a nice thing to savor. And not only the Brandy, but the Cherry, as well! Gawd, is there a better last name for a female porn star? I'd better shut up. With my luck, she'd have a 275 lbs. gorilla of a brother chasing after me...

Best Male Porno Star Name: Daz Peachtree
And here's the perfect male porn star name. The allusions are subtle, as you will see. Peachtree, as a tree, suggests a sturdy man, but the peaches suggest youth and a couple of other things that also contain seeds that don't need to be mentioned here. But the name Daz is what really caught my eye. Can you imaging this actor squeezing his peaches and Dazzing all over the place? This name is good enought for a dog!

The Best Porno Name Period: Kandie Delight
Oh man, I'm sorry, but this gave me a woody. Let's say it all together: Kandie Delight. A name that oozes sweetness, but is misspelled, typically, to suggest a slightly different kind of sweetness. There is also the promise of a light and fun time. What warm-blooded heterosexual wouldn't want a date with a girl named--let's say it together, again--Kandie Delight. Man, I'm glad Kandie is not a guy. That would have been embarrassing...